Category: Uncategorized

Falling Up

Haveyou ever had the chance to experience this wonderful statement?

Falling up to me means to be falling down in lifebut by the grace of God you don’t hit bottom because before you do he offersyou an opportunity to “fall up”. Let me tell you about my most recent (becauseI have had several) falling up experience.

It started with self-inflicted pain. I chose topartake in the use of drugs. Not just once. And not “just weed”. I ended upgetting involved in things I knew I probably shouldn’t, but I did anyhowbecause it masked the pain and depression I was going through at the time.

Skip ahead a few months into January when I wasmaking bad choices influenced at first by others but then it slowly went to myown decision making skills which have never been great when it came to maskingthe pain of something I did want to feel. However, In this situation the only thing I wanted to get really get away from was myself. The person I had become had made me sick to think about, sick to look at in the mirror. I hated who I had become.

But then something tragic happened right around the end of March, I got fired from my job that I loved, that I excelled at. You’re probably wondering why I would get fired from a job I did so well at.. well, I wad boughten all of my baggage, negativity, and poor choices into my job. They day I got fired was one of the worst days I’ve had simply for the reason that I felt like my world was crumbling but I never would have thought I was the problem behind all of it.

Now looking back on that day I completely understandwhy I was “let go”. I wasn’t making choices that benefited the company I wasworking for. If anything I hurt the company and their reputation. Which wasnever my intent. I thought I was just being “me”. Well, come to find out I wasn’treally me at all. I was someone who had I known a person like that I would havebeen disgusted by their behaviors.

I knew once I had hit rock bottom there wasn’t anywhereI was going to go but even further down (thinking at the time that, that wasn’teven possible). With Gods love, grace, and commitment I somehow “Fell Up”. It wasn’teven a full week later and I had landed a job doubling my pay, with benefits,and a career opportunity. Tell me that is a coincidence, and I will tell you itwas God. Sure, I put the effort into looking for this job but  it wasn’t me who allowed me to have theopportunity to interview or the grace to carry me through the training when I stillcontinued to struggle with some of the bad decisions I was still making.

As of today, I still fall short on a daily basis.I still make poor decisions, and I probably will for the rest of my life. Oneof the many differences between then and now is that I know I am not in this journeyalone, and no matter what if I buckle down and get serious about changing, anddoing life differently God will always carry me through. That doesn’t mean I wontsuffer any consequences along the way but what it does mean is that I will alwayshave a chance with Him to be better than I was yesterday and the daughter Hecreated me to be.

I hope on some level you all can relate andunderstand that we all fall short. Most of us fall short for years, some fortheir whole lives. The important thing we all need to remember is that we arenever alone, even during the darkest times when you try to give up on God, Hewill never abandon you, never stop loving you, and will always have faith inyou to make the right decisions even if it means starting all over tomorrow.

Dating Violence..Heard of it?

“Dating Violence”

Have you heard of it? Have you experienced it? Are you unsure if you’re in a relationship where this term sounds like it might be something you’re experiencing?

Well, I’m here to talk about the facts from licensed professionals, and my own past experiences. I hate to always assume that this is now the normal type of relationship…. but the fact of the matter is, that to some degree every single one of you have experienced this in one way or the other. Maybe you were the victim, or maybe you were the villain. Either way, we need to realize that these types of behavior are just completely unacceptable. Myself included.

  • Dating Violence by definition is exactly how it sounds…violent. However, there are different types of violence you might have endured…Physical? Emotional? Sexual? Let me break these down for you.

Physical abuse

  • pushing, shoving, grabbing
  • scratching, biting, spitting
  • punching, slapping, kicking, choking
  • slamming a partner against a wall

Emotional abuse

  • Threats, Insults, Criticism
  • name-calling
  • threatening to “out” a partner’s secrets to guilt trip them
  • making a partner feel inferior
  • making a partner feel guilty
  • isolating a partner from friends, family and others (i.e. enforcing rules about who they can and can’t hang out with)
  • giving a partner the “silent treatment”
  • threatening to break up with a partner if they do something you don’t approve of
  • stalking/invasion of privacy

Sexual Abuse

  • sexual assault
  • rape
  • any sexual activity without consent (e.g. touching, kissing or groping, sexual activity with a partner who is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, etc.)
  • coercing or persuading a partner to do something they don’t want to do (e.g. forcing a partner to pose for nude and/or sexual photos, pressuring a partner to ‘sext’, etc.)
  • refusing to use birth control or restricting a partner’s access to birth control

What are the warning signs of dating violence?

  • There are ways to recognize dating violence (although everyone’s experience will be different). A person who is abusing their partner may:
  • demand to see calls, texts and/or emails (with or without permission)
  • control who they talk to and who they spend time with
  • limit where they can go and when
  • tell them what they can and can’t do
  • constantly check in (repeatedly call, text and/or email, stop by unannounced, etc.)
  • threaten to hurt them (or injure themselves) if they try to leave
  • act jealous and/or get angry for no reason
  • restrict access to things they need
  • spread rumors about them
  • harass or humiliate them
  • share (or threaten to share) nude/sexual images without consent
  • blame others for the abusive behavior, or deny it altogether

Now, for those of you thinking “Oh my goodness, she’s overreacting” or “He/She has a right to treat me this way” if you’re making an excuse for your significant other and the way they treat you…STOP. Trust me, I of all people know how hard it is. I’m going to begin by telling you a little background of my story…you’ll understand why when I say stop making excuses or thinking you deserve it. STOP. I mean it. I’ve only been in 2 relationships in my life and they were so completely different but the ‘Dating Violence’ was a factor in both….

___________RELATIONSHIP #1____________

It was December of 2013, I was 18 years old. I had gotten an apartment with my sister and her boyfriend at the time. Young, not knowing my worth, hanging out with the ‘not so right’ crowd. We had a party at our apartment probably every single weekend until February when my sister turned 22, when she ended up getting pregnant at party we had for her birthday.

Now it’s the beginning of March 2014, it was my 19th birthday, I met a guy that wanted to give me all of this attention we will refer to him as ‘Jack’ for privacy matters. I mean what teenage girl didn’t want to have all of this attention? Or so I thought. Boy was I wrong…About 6 months went by of the constant attention being on me, wanting to be with me…. Then, it all changed. I went on a vacation to Florida with my family. Jack didn’t go. We had a mutual friend that was female. They hung out every now and again without me. I was ok with it because…well she was my friend, right? She’d never do something to hurt me. Turns out I was wrong.

Day 2 in Florida, and I receive a snapchat from this mutual friend of her in bed with Jack, neither of them had a shirt on…my heart immediately sunk into my stomach and instead of saying anything or letting him know I knew. I never said a word. Even to this day, I’ve kept it to myself, except for venting to my best friend about it but that wasn’t until even a year later….Lets skip ahead to our first big fight…we almost made it to our 1 year anniversary, and I found out that Jack had been saving photos of my best friend off of Facebook to his phone in a secret folder…to boot, he had a fake email account that he was “sharing” photos with other people. I wasn’t even allowed to have a passcode on my phone, and if I did, I was made to unlock it only for him to go through my phone for hours.

 I never understood what I could have done for him to have no trust in me. I wasn’t the one doing these things to him….he had given me very reason not to trust him to the point that every single night when he’d fall asleep I’d go through every single thing on his phone…every folder, every message, every email, every friend he added or searched on Facebook….I was in WAY over my head. And guess what? I made excuses for him every single time I’d find something that hurt I’d tell a close friend of mine than a day later when they told me I deserved more than that I’d say something like “He doesn’t mean it, he just wants the attention because I haven’t been giving him enough” when in all actuality I was giving him ALL of my attention. I was made to feel like he was the only person that ever loved me, and that even he didn’t always love me because I was either not small enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough…Little did I know I was more than enough.

So, here we are about a year and a half into this relationship. He went out with friends after work. I wasn’t 21 yet so I stayed home, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and made sure everything was spotless so when he got home he’d be so happy with me. The truth was he came home…except he was drunk, and stumbling in the door. Once he got into the house and sat down, he became very angry with me because I didn’t want to be intimate with him…he began yelling at me, getting closer and louder at the end of every sentence until he finally reached for my body, he grabbed me by my throat and pinned me against the wall telling me I was going to do what he wanted or it would just be worse for me to fight him on it….so I let him. The BIGGEST mistake I ever made because then every time he didn’t get his way in our relationship.

 It got more physical every time…Until one night it went so far, he threw me through the front door and pinned me down by my throat on the front porch and choked me out. Thankfully, his brother pulled him off of me and made him go back inside but at this point I had just had enough of this….So I called 911…thankfully I have a really close friend on the police force that was one of the most supportive people in my lives at this time, and he had no idea at the time that his reassuring me that I was worth so much more would one day prompt me to leave Jack. But that night…wasn’t it…It wasn’t until 4/5 months later when I caught Jack cheating on me in our bed with someone else that I decided that day to pack all of my things and move out. It wasn’t even a full week later, and because of the support of that friend, and the rest of my friends I was moved out, and on my own path to figuring out who I was by myself…I swore to myself that I would never allow a man to make me feel this way ever again, that id never let another man put his hands on me in an aggressive way. I was better than that.

___________RELATIONSHIP #2_____________

Fast forward to May 2017. I was working a full-time job, had just been promoted, still living on my own, having my own car, my own phone plan. And that was the bets I had ever done for myself…And then, I met Dan through one of the events my work was having, we looked at each other across the room, simple smiles were all we shared. I’d ask my coworker who he was, and she would tell me at every function that we’d both be at…

One day I decided to message him, and to my surprise he responded back. He was the politest gentleman I had ever spoken to. Had a genuine interest in me, no ulterior motives. Just a great connection between two imperfect humans. After a few days of back and forth texting he invited me over to his house. So, I drove over to his house knowing I deserved something out of a man but still very unsure what that truly was. When I arrived, he was pulling golf clubs out of the back of his truck. He looked up and smiled and said hi, I was instantly mesmerized by his smile. Little did I know that smile would become my favorite thing to see in the mornings when I wake up. We ran some errands together because he was going to a fishing tournament with his dad and brother that weekend, we ordered dinner and ate at his house. When we were finished with dinner, we sat on the couch telling each other all about ourselves. When I left that evening, he was so respectful. Walked me out the door onto the front porch and made sure I got into my car safely. For the next few weeks, we’d hangout every couple of days.

September of 2017, I moved out of my apartment to save money by moving in with my mom…but truthfully, I stayed with Dan almost every single night. We had the perfect relationship…. we never fought, and if we did it was a constructive conversation and moved past it. But then there was a change a change where we took our eyes off of God and made choices that weren’t within our Christian values. We got off track and I was the one in the villain role in this relationship this time. After realizing what I was doing only because I broke this sweet, loving man into a broken man with my actions did I stop treating him so poorly, only to realize he loved me through all of it. No matter how horrible I was to him, he stuck by me. He loved me through all of it…. You’re probably asking yourself ‘why would he stay with you if you were so terrible to him?’ don’t worry, I ask the same question every single day. But, the truth is because he realizes its because I have a broken, terrible past and never had anyone show me what a healthy relationship was.

I never had support growing up except for my grandmother who passed away on my 16th birthday which set me down a terrible path…but, he never judged me for that and, now? We’re happily in love. We’re following God. Trying to put him in the center of our relationship every single day. Sometimes we still fall short. But, We’re human. We make mistakes, but we love each other through it. I guess the point I’m trying to make is sometimes when you’re the victim in a situation, you tend to get some of the same characteristics. Not because its who you are but because its all you know.

I was lucky enough to meet someone that taught me i was worth living, and showed me that through God, I could be a better version of myself…And now? I am. I am so lucky to have met him, and i pray to God everyday for putting him in my life when i needed help having faith in myself.

Change the pattern, and be better. I have faith in myself now. And you should too. Never let anyone make you feel like being treated poorly is something you deserve because you don’t.

–DaniRose

You Are Enough

Here’s the thing…

What is ‘enough’? It’s this abstract idea, this unmeasurable concept, this strange way of labeling and defining and putting ourselves into categories of how and where we fit with the rest of the world. We’ve been taught this through society, our friends, and even sometimes our family with the definition of ‘Enough’ changing every single time..

‘Will I ever be enough?’ is a question we 20-something year old’s will ask ourselves on a weekly basis, because well….we all have heard that hurtful statement, ‘That’s just not enough’. The one statement that after putting in all of our effort weather it be a project at work or school or even in a relationship. The statement that will shatter your heart to the point that you can feel your heart break a little bit….

But what exactly is ‘enough?’

Enough what—is it pretty enough? strong enough? kind enough? patient enough? funny enough? social enough? outgoing enough? smart enough? 

Listen. There’s always going to be something that you’re not ‘enough’ of. There’s always going to be some part of you that won’t measure up to perfection because guess what? You’re not perfect.

You’re always going to be a little too loud or a little too quiet, and not enough street-smarts or not enough book-smarts or stubborn and not enough patience. Or too calm and not enough spark.

There’s always going to be some tiny part of you that doesn’t exactly fit the box that someone else wants to put you in. But you know what, screw that box.

You are you.

And you are enough.

You have to realize this about the world, society, and your peers— continually trying to shape you, trying to mold you, trying to change you. There’s nothing wrong with growing and becoming new, but you can’t look at your life like it’s forever coming up short. You can’t see yourself as merely a collection of flaws, and mistakes, never being worthy, never being right, never being enough.

Because there will be plenty of people and moments and times in life when you don’t measure up. But thousands more where you will.

It’s time to shed the expectations that the world puts on you and make your own. It’s time to disconnect from toxic people that continually find fault with who you are. It’s time to pull away from relationships where you feel like you’re in a constant battle to be in that person’s favor.

It’s time to realize that you are enough. And you’ve always been enough.

Don’t worry about love. Love will come, and the right person will know that you cannot be perfect and won’t try to put you in a box of perfection. The right person will love you despite your flaws, because of your flaws, and even love your flaws.

The right person won’t keep a tally of all the ways you don’t measure up to his/her expectations. The right person will love you because you’re simply you. So, don’t worry about love because the one that loves you the way you deserve, you’re already enough to.

And don’t worry about this world and all the people in it. You will never be enough for every single way or person of this world and that’s okay.

You are enough in your being. Your quirky, flawed, imperfect being. You are enough with your smile. You are enough in how you take on the world, how you never give up, how you keep on pushing, even when the world pushes you down.

Now me? I got lucky, before I met my now boyfriend of 2 years who lifts me up and makes sure I know every single day that I am enough, and I am important to not only him but the people around us in our lives I was in a very emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship with someone that made me think I would never be enough. I was told that I could never do better than him, that I would never be enough for anyone because I wasn’t small enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, making me feel like I wasn’t worth living because I would never be enough….and now? Now I know that I am. I am worth living, I have purpose, and the people around me love the person I am and reassure me of that every single day. So, just because one person tells you that you aren’t enough it doesn’t mean its true at all. Let the people who love you, the ones who respect you show you that they believe in you and I can promise your self-worth will skyrocket before you know it.

You are enough, and the only way you aren’t is if you don’t try…

 So, remember this and walk with your head held high.

–DaniRose

Where it Begins.

The tendency to carry over worries and fears of past breakups gives what its called ‘relationship anxiety.’ Many people say “the past is the past” and I thoroughly believe that. But what about the aftermath that comes from unhealthy relationships? How does that just stay in the past when it seems to affect any relationship you find yourself in?

No matter how great a guy is, I still can’t help but feel fearful that what happened in the past will repeat itself. And it doesn’t even have anything to do with him, because he’s great. It’s just the overall idea of a relationship that throws me into a full panic attack.

It’s like the feeling of apprehension has a mind of its own and you can’t control but be in a constant state of fear, bracing yourself to take the next emotional hit. I find myself constantly feeling worried that he’ll hurt me, or lie to me, or I’ll put my feelings and heart out there only to have him chew it up and spit it out. All because, well, it’s happened before. It appears to be a perfectly rational and logical reason, but in your heart you know that it’s really not. 

So somehow, I know that I’m self-sabotaging myself and this relationship, letting the relationship anxiety fill my head with irrational thoughts. They just play over and over again in my head until it’s distorted my mood. 

I then end up quiet and not wanting to talk out of the fear I’ll end up crying. I’m scared to open my mouth and let my emotions overflow. When he asks if I’m okay I don’t know what to tell him. It’s feeling like your irrational feelings are not valid so you are afraid to be misunderstood and judged. 

I’m afraid he will think I don’t have faith in us, or that I’m a negative person, or all I ever do is worry. It just fogs the real me in such a way that I start thinking that maybe this is who I really am. 

I just don’t know how to explain that to him without sounding what I assume he’ll perceive as crazy. And I know I’m not crazy. It’s just I know that my past relationship haunts me, and that threatens my current one by imprisoning my heart. 

Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time and erase all the pain and hurt that old relationships have caused me. Because if I did that, I’d be able to focus on how great my other half is now, and I wouldn’t second guess things.

The truth is, I’m the only one who can overcome this emotional fear. Heartache is inevitable in life but some of us are more sensitive than others and have a harder time coping with the pain felt when someone has broken us to pieces.

The pain is real but the love that our hearts are capable of giving is real too and I will somehow find the strength to overcome my relationship anxiety. In the mean time, I just hope that my new love can be patient with my anxious heart.

–DaniRose