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Are you really appreciative, or just scratching the surface?

Here is a topic nobody likes to discuss…heartbreak or even worse…and dare i say it…..the end to a long term relationship…but really its a topic that never gets brought up because its just “too painful” or “too dark”.

NO. You’re wrong. It’s a part of life and if you’re older than 7 (thats how old i was when little Ryan broke my heart) it’s probably something you’ve felt…But darn that Ryan….He did always promise to marry me….then he didn’t. Sound familiar? Good. Keep Reading.

A lot of times when one partner leaves a long term relationship the other partner’s very first thoughts are “she/he found someone else”  “how could he/she do this“ all these years together “ and so much more….BUT what people don’t think about is that time he/she went to sleep feeling like shit because   he/she caught you talking to other women/men behind their back or even worse right in front of their face being told “it’s just so&so you have nothing to worry about”—WHICH (I’ve found to be the biggest lie in previous relationships, if it’s “secretive” LEAVE), Or How you kept saying you would change but wouldn’t/didn’t. Nobody thinks about all the times he/she was there when no one else was. How he/she prayed to God to help you have the strength to change. You don’t think about how you always put everyone and everything before him/her. You don’t think about how all their friends and family told  them to walk away but they still stayed. People don’t just wake up one day and decide to leave. Your actions, your words, your the way you make them feel builds up over time and that’s what drives someone away is the resentment, the anger, and all of the fun in between….I want you to be aware of the “warning signs” if you notice the following chances are you’re hurting your partner. But, before you just jump to conclusions and do some grand gesture for “noticing”….finally….just know chances are they’ve reached a limit of abuse they aren’t willing to accept anymore so if you aren’t willing to change…let them go so they can be happy… even if that means watching them be happy with someone else… or on their own for however long they choose. 

Last but most certainly not least.. if you are the partner wanting to leave because you feel like any of this is happening to you…. your feelings are valid, 100%. No matter what anyone else says or what anyone else feels your feelings are absolutely valid. I believe in you, because I’ve learned to believe in myself.

🛑WARNING SIGNS🛑

•When they stop venting to you—Chances are they feel like you never really listened in the first place. 

•When they stop coming on to you—Usually means that they don’t feel like you’re attracted to them. 

•When they stop trying to get you to see things their way— just know it’s not because you won and they’ll finally put up with everything it’s because they have given up trying to voice their opinion/wants/needs..because they’re just not as important as yours…. right? 

•To my unappreciative fans: 

Appreciate your partner, never let them feel like you could care less.. all anyone wants is to know they’re wanted and loved. 

•To my unappreciated fans: 

Know and realize your worth, love yourself. 

The Five Year Itch

“The Make or Break of a Millennial Relationship”

After a couple has been together for five-ish years, they are probably serious enough to know whether they want to be together for the long run; yet the relationship is new enough to end it easily if they don’t see it going anywhere. I don’t think couples that have been in love and together for five years are necessarily committed to each other. Now this might sound counterintuitive but hear me out for a second.

  • In my opinion, the choice to commit starts when those feelings of love begin to lessen. You know that period in the relationship when you feel like you are starting to take each other for granted, when you don’t have that fervent desire to see each other and when that other person no longer occupies your mind during every single second of every day.
  • This turning point, commonly known as the five-year itch for Generation-Y, is when a relationship is brought to its brink. At this point, we are faced with two choices: 1) Let go and plummet down into the depths of “never-to-be-seen-again“ or 2) Struggle hard to get both feet on solid ground and revive the relationship.

Choice 1: End it

The person in the relationship who chooses to let go after a few years usually comes up with the worst excuses: “I’m just not in love with you anymore.” — “I can’t pinpoint what it is exactly, but it just doesn’t feel right.” — “You are such an awesome person and there’s nothing wrong with you; I just don’t feel like this is going anywhere.”

For all of you who have been mindf*cked by someone who said something along these lines, trust me, you are not alone.

Allow me to provide you with some comfort in telling you that this person is not worth your tears. Why, you ask? This individual has a naive and superficial idea of how relationships work. Unbeknownst to him or her, you provide this person with the ability to feel love. At some point, this feeling ceases.

It doesn’t disappear, but because of familiarity, it seems like the emotions aren’t as strong anymore. To him or her, this phenomenon feels like the two of you are “drifting apart” because the initial connection you once had seems to have fleeted away. Eventually, this person begins craving that euphoria he or she once felt and moves on to the next person who can instill this feeling again.

Choice 2: Make It Work

For those who choose to move forward in a relationship at the five-year mark, this is where true commitment ensues. At this point, it is the combination of both a rational decision and a deep emotional connection between two people.

Rationally, you realize that you have found someone great, and you would be completely insane to let go of this person. You make the decision to be that person’s support system and to always have his or her best interest at heart.

Emotionally, you both understand each other’s mechanisms like no one else does. You don’t expect your partner to be anyone other than who he or she is, and you need to have a connection that you would never even think of doubting.

Stay Clear of Typical “Instincts”

To those who choose to commit, a fair warning: It will be difficult. It is so instinctive, for a woman especially, to think that a man doesn’t love her anymore because he doesn’t give as much effort as he used to. But this is exactly the kind of mindset that you must steer away from if you want a deep, committed and loving relationship.

Stop thinking about what the other person can do to instill that fluttering, early-on feeling again because that is not what love is about. Free yourself of those insecurities and focus instead on how you can continuously appreciate your partner.

Love is not a feeling that should be triggered or instilled by someone else; it should be drawn from an intimate, deep gratitude for finally finding someone who understands you, will always be there for you and reciprocates all of this on the same level.

When you finally understand the depth that your love should reach and continuously work towards that, then you can strive for a committed and loving relationship.

Because you didn’t love me, I learned to love myself.

I just want you to know how badly you destroyed me. Every ounce of confidence or self worth I had was shattered while we were together. I was never going to be good enough for you because I wasn’t them. “Them who” is probably what you’re thinking. So let me explain….. the girls you’d follow on Facebook, the girls you’d follow on instagram. Ya know those girls that weighed maybe 100lbs soaking wet, with those petite figures and no stretch marks or rolls… but me? I have those. I have all of that. I tried to look like that for you because that’s what you wanted. And even then, I still wasn’t good enough. And now more than ever, I dislike you for everything you ever did to me to make me feel this horrible about myself and my body. I now look in the mirror pinching my fat, seeing my thighs touch, seeing my stretch marks and I hate myself. I hate my body. Because you made me feel like the only way to be pretty was to look like them. I just wish for a split second you would’ve thought about me and the way you admiring those women could absolutely destroy my self esteem. Would you do things differently? Would you actually make me feel beautiful? Probably not but that’s okay. Because I don’t need for you to accept me anymore, because I finally accept myself not in every way not in all of the ways I wish I did but that’s okay because I’ll get there. Because I have the support and people surrounding me now to help me feel like I matter, and that’s what I needed from you.

My anxiety doesn’t just overwhelm you, it does me too.

Anxiety isn’t just chest pains, crying, and the inability to relax.

It’s biting your nails until they bleed, then picking off the skin on your fingers once you’re out of nails to bite.

It’s driving to the store only to sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes before turning back around, without even going inside.

It’s getting a text message and forgetting to respond promptly, so instead of responding explaining you were busy, you leave the notification there for days, weeks, even months, getting a knot in your stomach every time you scroll past it or every time that person’s name comes up.

It’s hearing a noise and planning in your mind where you’ll hide, what doors you’ll lock, and how you’ll secretly call for help if someone broke into your house.

It’s asking your partner several times a day if they love you, partially kidding, but mostly needing to hear it because you find it so hard to love yourself in that moment.

It’s putting off washing the dishes until there’s no dishes left, but then feeling overwhelmed by how many dishes there are to wash, so you just leave them another day.

It’s understanding that what you’re worrying about is often irrational and not as extreme as your reaction warrants, but not being able to control your response. Often times, it even means you CAN’T understand that what you’re worrying about is irrational or not as extreme as your reaction warrants.

Anxiety isn’t just chest pains, crying, and the inability to relax. It’s taking everyday parts of life and intensifying the excitement or fear they result in times a thousand, to the point that they seem impossible to face. Some days are more manageable than others, and it’s on those days I try to remind myself that I CAN get through whatever anxiety throws my way.

It’s hard for me to share this and a little embarrassing to include this personal experience, but if even one person finds comfort in knowing they’re not alone in this, then I’m going to push past my comfort zones to do that. Feel free to share with family and friends let’s help one another.

Maybe she’s blowing you off. Maybe she’s a bad friend. Maybe she is keeping you in her back pocket for a rainy day. It’s entirely possible.

Or maybe she’s busy. Maybe her plate is completely full. Maybe she’s coping the best way she knows how. Maybe she’s stressed. Maybe she’s maxed out. Maybe stuff isn’t going her way, and she’s saving her energy.

Maybe she really did miss your text.

Maybe she is overwhelmed with kids, family, and bills. Maybe she’s trying her best, but her best isn’t much right now. Maybe anxiety is getting in the way and rearing its ugly head, as it so often does.

Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe it’s about her.

There are a million reasons she might be falling short. Maybe it really is that things have run their course. It’s a sad part of life, but it is, nonetheless, a part of life. Only you can make that call.

But, then again, maybe it’s something else. Don’t forget to give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t forget to cut her some slack. Don’t forget to forgive. Don’t forget sometimes friendship means loving each other through the tough seasons, and the rainy weather, and all the ups and downs.

May we hold each other in the good times and in the rough times even if that means giving space… I see you sister.

To those I have been too busy for – I love you, I’m sorry.

To those who have been distant from me – I love you, I understand.

Almost Relationships are just as hard.

Almost relationships are potential relationships that never quite get started! But those weird, confusing “almost relationships” — the ones where it seems like it’s all going to work out until, you know, it doesn’t, can often be just as gut-wrenching as a full breakup. Below, we’ve compiled a few heartfelt reminders, and some tough love, for any of you who are currently navigating this kind of loss.

• You’re not crazy, or silly, for not being able to move forward from this.

You don’t have to date someone to have feelings for them. You don’t have to be labeled as boyfriend/girlfriend for someone to have a special place in your heart — commitment isn’t the only measure of meaning for a relationship. Please don’t feel silly with yourself for caring. Almost relationships can hurt just as much as real relationships because connection isn’t measured in time. When your heart connects with someone, it connects with someone. Sometimes, that depth is fostered over years. And sometimes you crash into another human being, and despite only knowing them for a short collection of moments, you know that they are going to mean something to you. There are no rules.

The reality of the situation is that you met someone who made you feel deeply. You met someone who reciprocated what was happening within you. You met someone who wanted to hold your hand, and spend time with you, and as a human being who cares deeply, and as a human being who has a heart that pours for others, you fell for them. You fostered a connection that wanted to go deeper. And when you feel that, when you have all of that hope within you, it can be really, really difficult when someone doesn’t want to fall with you.

• These kinds of dynamics can, in turn, make you feel like you aren’t good enough.

When you feel deeply for someone, and they reciprocate feelings, but they don’t want to commit, it is a very human reaction to feel like you are the sole reason why that commitment isn’t being made. It hurts to think that someone likes you, but not enough. It hurts to think that someone enjoys spending time with you, but not enough. It hurts to think that someone cares for you, but not enough.

Almosts can make you feel like, maybe if you were just a little funnier, or a little more chill, or a little more this, or a little more that, that would have made them want to stay. That would have made them choose you. But that’s not the case. Because it doesn’t matter how pretty you are, or how cool you are, or how intelligent you are. You couldn’t have been funnier, or loved them harder, or acted in a more casual way, to have convinced them to commit. Because at the end of the day, this person wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. This person wasn’t ready to take that leap. And that is where they are at. Nothing will change that.

• At the end of the day, people choose these kind of wishy-washy relationships because they aren’t ready for a real one.

Whether that is because of their own circumstances, or their own baggage, or because they are afraid of commitment — that is their healing, and their growth, and their decision that they have made for themselves. Relationships take a lot of responsibility. And unfortunately, sometimes we crash our hearts into people who want all of the benefits of a relationship, but they cannot deal with the responsibility.

Sometimes people are honest with you about that, and that becomes a decision you have to make for your own heart. Is this something you can handle? Is this something you actually want? Hint: it never is. We just convince ourselves it is because we feel deeply. And sometimes people aren’t honest about that, and there are a lot of games at play, and you feel confused or hurt, like things aren’t progressing, like you aren’t being valued.

But, when it comes down to it, participating in this kind of unknown emotional grey zone — it’s about you in the end. And how you feel. If someone tells you that they cannot commit to you, you have to walk away. If someone plays games with you and your dynamic is hurting you, you have to walk away. Because when you settle for almost, you settle for almosts in every single aspect of a relationship. Almost happy. Almost valued. Almost chosen. The connection holds weight, but it’s still in a way surface. You’re still not being given all that you desire, you’re still holding out for something to grow from so much uncertainty.

• Moving on from an almost is hard because you feel like you broke your own heart by settling.

It can be hard to admit to yourself that you agreed to something you knew you weren’t going to be fulfilled in because you thought you could change the circumstance, you thought that you could make it work in the end, that you would be chosen, that the concept of what you two shared would evolve. You can feel ashamed or upset that you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t allow yourself to be honest about what you actually wanted or what was hurting you. It can make you feel like your feelings were delegitimize, not just by this person, but by yourself too. And nothing is more disappointing that letting yourself down. That stings. And that adds another level to the healing process.

And if that is where you’re at right now — in this kind of space where you’re upset with yourself for not communicating what you wanted, or for going along with a dynamic that was actually hurting you or making you doubt yourself — be gentle with yourself. It is okay. You found someone in life you really liked. You spent time with them and laughed with them and dreamed with them and made memories with them. You cared for them, and dove into their soul. You had inside jokes with them and learned about them, and your heart grew fond of them.

Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for wanting to keep that in your life, even if you knew deep down inside that you needed more. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for trying for something, for believing in a connection and believing in what it could be. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for seeing the goodness in another human being. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for putting your heart out there.

• Give yourself permission to be deeply honest with yourself about what the relationship was, not what you hoped it could be.

almost relationships cut deeply because they tend to make a human heart live within that “what if” phase. When you’re at the beginning stages of a relationship, when you’re trying to see how the parts of yourself line up with those of another, you live within perpetual potential. There is so much to be experienced, so much beauty to be had, so many feelings to feel. When you exist within an almost, you’re always building out a idea of someone, or something, that has yet to be grounded by real life — in a way you romanticize what could be. And that is so human. It is human to get excited about another person. It is human to leap towards the things that make you happy, or make you smile, or make you believe in the goodness of others, in what is in store for your heart.

So, at the end of the day, when you aren’t able to carry all of that out — when you aren’t given the chance to shine for someone or care for them or build something foundational with them, that hope can hang heavy within you. It can be difficult to lay down, because it still feels so promising. Sometimes, what could have been hurts more.

But you have to remind yourself of what was. At the end of the day, you fell into a dynamic that ended up hurting you. At the end of the day, no matter how much potential you believe there is, it’s not being chosen. That potential isn’t being valued. That potential isn’t being shown up for.

• It’s not easy to feel like you’re getting closure and moving on when you aren’t even sure what you’re moving on from.

But, the truth is that, we won’t always end up with those we feel something deep and meaningful with. Some chapters of our lives are full and dizzying in the best way — with concrete endings and concrete closure. But some chapters end quickly, sometimes in the middle of the page, sometimes even before we are ready. What we don’t often realize is that that is closure, too. Because it’s still an ending.

• You deserve to be chosen.

Remember that you want to be loved and chosen, not almost loved or almost chosen. If someone cant do that, you truly are better off. This is not your person.

Because the right person will be consistent. The right person will put forth the appropriate amount of effort. The right person will make everything feel easy, natural. Almosts aren’t natural. You have all of this hope, and all of this feeling, and you’re trying to give it to someone who doesn’t want to hold it. You’re trying to convince someone that you’re worthy of being chosen. But the right person will choose you. The right person will stay.

Remind yourself that you deserve for the beauty you see with someone to come to fruition. You deserve to feel like someone is excited to be with you, someone is excited to commit to you, and dive into something concrete and foundational with you. You deserve someone who is on the same page. Someone who wants the same things, someone who want to meet all of your hope with action. Someone who asserts their heart and stands up for it. Someone who isn’t afraid of being responsible for your heart. Someone who embraces it.

You’re there for them…but who is there for you?

When you’re the girl who is always there for others — you feel a lot. You have depths within you, an ocean for a heart, and you keep falling for people who are too scared to swim. You give and you give and you give; tearing pieces of your paper soul into the smallest of fragments just to set someone else aflame.

You hurt. My god, do you hurt. You ache, wondering if someone will ever give you the love you so freely give to others, wondering if there will come a time when someone asks how you are doing, how you are coping, how you are healing

And when that doesn’t happen, you heal yourself. You find strength in things other than people. You find energy in your solitude, you find hope in your daydreams. You build yourself up, tell yourself that you don’t need anyone to save you, that you don’t need anyone to steady your foundation.
But you do.

See, sometimes the girl who is always there for everyone else, needs someone there for her. Sometimes, the girl who smiles the biggest holds the biggest hurt. Sometimes the girl who is always the person who wipes the tears of others, goes home and cries lakes into the midnight hour. Sometimes the girl who encourages everyone around her needs to be told that she is appreciated, that she matters; sometimes she needs to be encouraged herself.

So, if you’re the girl who is always there for others, know that your heart is rare. Know that you hold within you an ability to calm storms in people, a beautiful gift that has relieved sore eyes and hurt minds. Know that you give people hope, that you inspire them by acknowledging the pieces of them most ignore, that you make people feel wanted, that you make people feel like they have purpose.

However, also remind yourself that you are not invincible. Your heart needs rest. You need rest. Remind yourself that you do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, that you may not be able to save everyone, that you may not be able to heal every hurt. Remind yourself that you deserve to take all of the energy you put out into the world and invest it back into yourself from time to time. That you are worthy of the love you keep giving to everyone else. Remind yourself, that you don’t always have to be strong, that you don’t always have to be the fixer. Remind yourself that you can be human, that you can ask for help; that you don’t always have to be the one to save yourself.

The Death Of My Very First Love—My Father.

To a girl, her Dad is the first man she will ever love. He is the first man who was there to catch her when she started to fall. The first man to wipe her tears away when she was afraid or hurt. The first man to tell her how beautiful and special she is. He sets the precedent for any man who walks into her life. To a girl, her Dad is invisible. One day though, you learn that your Dad isn’t invincible after all. So, you stand there and tell him you love him and that you will somehow be okay. You stand by his side while he takes his last breath, and then it hits you. You aren’t going to be okay.

In the days, weeks, and months that follow the death of your Dad, you will feel a heartbreak like you cannot even imagine. Think of your very worst break-up, multiply it by 100. That doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what you will feel. You will be angry, so angry that you find yourself shaking. You’ll cry until your head is pounding, your eyes are swollen shut, and your nose is so stuffy you can’t breath. Then you’ll cry some more. Food will lose its appeal and the weight will fall off faster than you can buy new clothes. You might pick up old bad habits, anything to help numb the pain enough so you can sleep through the night. Sleep won’t come though, and you will toss and turn for hours looking at old videos and pictures just so you can hear his voice or see his smile. One day you will be walking through a store and see someone that resembles your Dad, your heart is going to sink to the floor. For just a second, you’ll forget that he is gone. It will hurt, bad.

There will be times you pick up your phone to call him but stop after the first ring because it sinks in. He’s not going to answer. In an effort to feel “normal” you will go to familiar places that he went to, you’ll drive his vehicle for hours, listen to his music, you’ll even spray his cologne on your pillow. It won’t help. You’ll find yourself screaming in anger, crying until you’re sick, and begging God to bring him back.

People will try to comfort you with the “right” words, but those words don’t exist. You will learn that some people you trusted and thought were “friends” will do things and say things that will make you lose trust. They think they are doing what is best, and they are. They do what is best for themselves and you get to pick up what pieces you have left. Be very careful who you let into your heart in the first few months, you are extremely vulnerable. Any sense of “love” or “comfort” sounds good, but it can be deceiving. Nobody will ever replace your Dad, it simply is not possible. Please, do not let anyone break your heart so soon after the death of a parent. It is better to be guarded than to be shattered again when you haven’t even begun to heal from your loss. There are “stages” to grief, or at least that’s what is rumored. Grief doesn’t know it is supposed to come in stages though. Instead it tears down your facade, wrecks your world, walks out casually, then returns hours later to do it all over again. I wish I could say one day it is easier, that you wake up and feel whole again, but I can’t. You will wish you were dead at times, not because you hate life but because you want so badly to see your Dad again. You will push people away even though you love them deeply.

The thought of loving someone so much, of being so captivated by someone, only to have them ripped from you will take its toll on your heart and mind. Realizing you would rather be alone than to ever feel so much heartache again is normal. Take the time to be alone if needed, but don’t disappear. Somebody cares about you and is worried.

There will be days you can’t get out of bed. There will be days you don’t want to smile. All that is okay. Nobody can tell you what to feel, how you should feel, or how to handle your grief. If anyone does try to tell you how to grieve, punch them in the face.

Having to experience holidays and birthdays without your Dad will be one of the toughest parts. You will experience “happy” occasions that are almost impossible to push through without crying because he should be there. If one day you chose to open up again and find a man your Dad would be proud of, you’ll have to walk down the aisle without him by your side. He won’t be there to give you away, he won’t be there to hold his grand-babies, and he won’t be there to give you parenting advice when your teenagers and putting you through hell (he warned you, you reap what you sow). Missing your Dad is something you will feel every moment of every day, even when you’re happy. You will be having a good time and all of a sudden wish he was there. All the emotions will flood you with a vengeance. That’s okay too. If your Dad was anything like mine, he deserves to be missed. It’s hard to try and move forward with your life when your confidant, friend, biggest fan, and defender is gone. Remember, you are half his and his DNA is coursing through your veins. You will always miss him and wish he was here, he was your Dad. Take time to feel the emotions and take time to miss him. You aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one who feels lost.

You aren’t crazy for feeling incomplete. Let yourself find peace. Remember that he loved you with a pure, unwavering,and endless love. Take that love he showed you and share it with others. Make his love your legacy.

When you love a girl who has lost her father, it’s important to know you cannot fix her. Even if you want to. Your love for her will not be some magical antidote to her pain. You can’t kiss her hard enough. You can’t hold her long enough.

Her hurt will not go away just because you love her.

And I know you mean well. I know you want to keep her safe and heal her heart because she’s the kindest person you’ve ever known. But there’s something you need to understand.

You can’t fix her.

Because there’s nothing to fix.

When you lose someone important, you don’t turn into a broken thing. You aren’t a piece of furniture that has come apart from too much trauma. You aren’t worn out tape that unravels all over the floor. That’s too simplistic. That’s ignoring the layers to grief, to loss, to surviving even when the person you loved more than anything is gone.

So here you are, finding magic in a person who has been through so much. You marvel at her strength. You’re inspired by her courageous heart. And when the tears come, as occasionally they will, you will do everything you can to soothe the ache.

But you can’t. And you need to understand that’s okay.

She doesn’t expect you to be her savior.

She didn’t ask for one. Or maybe she did. But that’s her melancholy talking.

You can’t save someone from missing their father. And you shouldn’t. There is substance in those moments. When she’s hurting, she is remembering. Allow her to grieve. Accept there are some things you will not relate to. Ask what she needs. Provide a shoulder, distraction, an open space to talk.

Let her guide you. Be humble enough to follow her lead. She is the one with the permanent scar. Don’t look for quick ways to make it fade. Just be there instead

I’m still figuring grieving out on a daily basis but I’m doing my best and if you wanna pass any judgement—don’t because you have no idea…

In memory of:

DANIEL JOSEPH O’NEIL

Narcissists and how to leave

This post is dedicated to a very close friend of mine (LJD) that doesn’t see her worth. Baby this is your time to shine, 💥

Narcissists form powerful bonds with their partners that are difficult to break and, on average, it takes seven attempts to leave before finally succeeding. Understanding how narcissists manipulate you to keep you tied to the relationship can give you the leverage you need to prepare yourself to break up and go no-contact. Here’s why it’s so hard to get out.

1. HE STUDIED AND MIMICKED EXACTLY WHAT YOU LIKE SO HE COULD BECOME YOUR PERFECT PARTNER. 

During the love-bombing stage at the beginning of the relationship, he learned exactly what it was that you desired most out of a partner and then mirrored it back to you to become your soulmate. Narcissists manufacture an environment where you develop a strong psychological attachment to them. They do this by making grandiose declarations of love, plying you with excessive flattery, and reassuring you about your deepest insecurities.  The goal is to get you to drop your guard and make yourself vulnerable to them. Because of this strong attachment, you may still feel a romantic connection to him that you can’t shake.

2. NARCISSISTS DON’T EVER CONSIDER THE RELATIONSHIP TO BE OVER

They may temporarily think of the relationship as being “on pause” if they’re angry or attending to other women in their rotation, but they never really break up with you. In their eyes, you “belong” to them and they’re entitled to come in and out of your life as they please. Until you realize this, you’ll be vulnerable to their repeated attempts to get you to break any no-contact policy you try to implement.

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4. YOU’RE OVERWHELMED WITH QUESTIONS THAT DON’T SEEM TO HAVE ANSWERS.

 There are so many things about the relationship that you just don’t understand. Did he ever love you at all? If he did, then how could he have done all those things to hurt you? Did he know he was hurting you? Which moments you shared were real? You may feel stuck trying to figure out who he really is instead of moving forward and realizing you may never get all the answers you’re seeking.

5. YOU DEVELOPED A CHEMICAL BOND WITH HIM.

 When the narcissist cycled between cruelty and kindness, those extremes in emotions dysregulated the neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin in your brain. You literally became chemically addicted to him because of his behavior. As a result, you may have felt dependence and withdrawal symptoms that were not your fault. This addiction can keep drawing you back in like a drug and make it difficult for you to leave.

6. YOU MAY BE TRAUMA-BONDED TO HIM AS WELL.

Trauma bonds are similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which you’ve been brainwashed into feeling loyalty toward him. This happens because of the intermittent kindness he provides that temporarily eases the pain you’re going through. Over time, it becomes normal to cling to the hope that each new start means the callousness will come to an end. The acts of love he meted out may have trapped you in a repetitious cycle as you continue to wait for a future that never comes.

7. YOU MAY HAVE BEEN GASLIGHTED INTO DOUBTING YOUR OWN JUDGMENT

Narcissists will change stories, lie or contradict your version of events in order to avoid admitting to things they have done. They will do this even when there is blatant evidence to support a different view. Over time, the effects of this gaslighting can take their toll. You may begin questioning what’s real about anything he says to the point to where you stop trusting your own intuition, and you don’t know whether you’re wrong or whether leaving really is the best option.

8. YOU MAY BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

He’s an expert at verbal and mental games that twist conversations back around on you every time you try to have a discussion about something he’s done or how you feel about it. You’ve heard it all: projection, accusing you of being the one who’s jealous or abusive, calling you crazy or argumentative, and blaming his actions on something you did. This is not an accident.

9. YOU MAY FEEL ISOLATED FROM SOURCES OF OUTSIDE SUPPORT.

Are your friends tired of hearing about the relationship? Do they blame you for still being in it? Maybe you’ve only told them what a great guy your boyfriend is and hid all of his abusive behavior, so now you don’t know how to explain why you need to leave. Perhaps you haven’t even seen them in a long time because your boyfriend has made it so difficult to hang out with them. Whatever it is, you may feel like you just don’t have anyone on your side or anyone you can you can turn to for support or advice.

10. YOU WANT TO SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE.

You really want to believe he’s not doing it on purpose, that he has your best interests at heart. Facing the fact that your boyfriend is manipulating you means you have to accept the fact that not all people have good intentions. If you’re the type of person that forgives easily and looks for the best in people, this can be a painful realization to have to face.

11. YOU DESPERATELY WANT THE CLOSURE OF A REGULAR RELATIONSHIP.

 Relationships with narcissists do not end like regular relationships. If you tell a narcissist that you are breaking up, he’ll usually either become angry and rage at you with an onslaught of verbal abuse, or he’ll do everything in his power to try to get you to stay. Either way, he won’t let you go in peace, so when you decide to leave, you must cut it off knowing that the only closure you’ll ever get will be the closure you give yourself knowing you deserve better.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I used to be a really confident and mentally healthy person. I had a good job, lots of friends, and I was happy most of the time. Now I am a total wreck. I can’t concentrate on my work and I feel as if I am going crazy. I know that I am in a really destructive relationship with a Narcissist who abuses me, but somehow, I can’t manage to leave once and for all.

This person used to be incredibly loving to me, but now they treat me like dirt. I don’t understand what is happening or what I have done that makes them treat me this way. I love them so much! I have tried to leave, but each time I come back the moment that they start being nice to me again. I literally cannot make myself stay away.

🔥Why is it so hard to leave the abusive Narcissist in your life?🔥

If the above story resonates with you, and you too have found yourself begging for crumbs of affection from an abusive person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I may be able to help you understand how you got here—and why you are finding it so hard to just walk away and not look back. The answer is that you have become “Trauma Bonded” to this person through a blend of “Intermittent Reinforcement” and “Stockholm Syndrome.”

What is “Narcissistic Trauma Bonding”?

Humans are wired to emotionally bond with the people around them. This ability to bond is the glue that keeps families and relationships together. When we feel endangered or insecure our natural reaction is to reach out to those we are bonded with for protection. But what happens when the person we are bonded to is the one who is mistreating us? Then our tendency to bond works against us. 

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look for help elsewhere. Unfortunately, the conditions that create trauma bonding are not at all normal.  

With “Narcissistic Trauma Bonding,” you are initially showered with intense love and approval. It is like a fantasy come true. Then gradually the ratio of positive to negative events shifts—often so subtly that you cannot say exactly when this happened. You find yourself in fights with someone you desperately love who claims that everything bad that is happening is all your fault. 

Unless you walk out immediately and never look back, you are well on your way to becoming this person’s psychic prisoner. You will find yourself “Trauma Bonded” to someone who is destroying you. This is like your own personal opiate addiction crisis. You are now addicted to this person’s approval and only desire their love and no one else’s. You know you should stop, but you do not have the willpower to do so on your own. 

• The 7 Stages of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

Stage 1: “Love Bombing”—The Narcissist showers you with love and validation.

Stage 2:  Trust and Dependency—You start to trust that they will love you forever.  You now depend on them for love and validation.

Stage 3:  Criticism Begins—They gradually reduce the amount of love and validation that they give you and start to criticize you and blame you for things. They become demanding.

Stage 4: “Gaslighting”—They tell you that this is all your fault. If you would only trust them and do exactly as they say, they would shower you with love again. They try to make you doubt your own perceptions and accept their interpretation of reality.

Stage 5:  Control Is Established—You do not know what to believe but think that your only chance of getting back the good feelings of Stage 1 is to try doing things their way.

Stage 6:  Resignation and Loss of Self—Things get worse, not better. When you try to fight back, they up their abuse. Now you would just settle for peace and for the fighting to stop. You are confused, unhappy, your self-esteem is at its lowest.

Stage 7:  Addiction—Your friends and family are worried about you. You know that this situation is terrible, but you feel as if you cannot leave because this person is now everything to you. All you can think about is winning back their love.

How is it possible that this can happen to a normally sane and functional person like you?

The answer to this question lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of how humans react to a combination of dependency and abuse coupled with “intermittent reinforcement.”

• Intermittent Reinforcement

Many research studies have focused on how to get healthy laboratory rats to keep pressing a bar in the hope that they would continue to get food pellets. The researchers’ goal was to keep the rats working for rewards long after they had stopped giving them any. They chose lab rats because they react very similarly to humans in these types of situations.

The researchers experimented with different patterns of rewards and found the following:

Pattern 1—Reward them every time they press

This was the least effective reward schedule. The rats expected to be rewarded after every bar press. When the rewards stopped, they might press one or two more times just to see whether any new food appeared. But…even the dumbest rats quickly wandered away and stopped paying attention to the bar.

Pattern 2—Reward for every 10th press

Here the researchers got the rats used to pressing the food bar 10 times before the food came out. This means that the rats could not learn that no more food would come until after they had already done the work of pressing at least 10 times. Most tried at least one more time and did another set of 10. Eventually, all the rats realized there were no more food rewards for bar pressing and they stopped working and wandered off to look elsewhere for food.

Pattern 3—Reward every 10 minutes

Here the rats learned that they would only get food on a set time schedule. Once they figured out that they would get rewarded 10 minutes after a press, they would eventually get very economical with their presses. They would press once or twice towards the end of the 10-minute period, then stop and wait for their reward. After the rewards stopped, it only took a few non-rewarded 10-minute periods for the rats to stop pressing the bar.

Result: The researchers learned that having any predictable pattern of rewards for pressing the bar resulted in fewer bar presses after the rewards stopped for good.

Pattern 4—Intermittent Reinforcement

The researchers finally outwitted the rats by doing away with any predictable pattern of reward. They varied the times between rewards and how many bar presses would be required to get food in exchange for work.

Result: The rats kept pressing the bar, even though they were never rewarded again.

In the terminology of “Learning Psychology,” the response of bar pressing was never extinguished on a schedule of “intermittent reinforcement.” In human language, the rats continued to work in the hope that someday they would once again be rewarded.

• Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome is the term for a situation in which adults who are mistreated by their captors develop positive feelings towards the people who are mistreating them. As the situation progresses, the captives start to become more childlike and dependent. They become grateful for any small signs of approval and affection. Eventually they may bond with their captors and even come to love them.

The name comes from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in which the robbers took hostages. Much to the world’s surprise, by the time the captives were freed, they had developed positive feelings towards their captors, instead of hating them.

How does all of this apply to being in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist?

Stage 1—Continuous Reward with Nothing Required in Return

In the beginning, when the Narcissistic individual is focused on “getting” you, they give you lots of emotional food pellets in the form of attention, praise, and sweet gestures. They tell you how wonderful you are, bring you thoughtful gifts, and focus on making you feel good.

Almost everyone responds well to getting continuously stroked and praised by someone that they find attractive. This is the Narcissistic courtship pattern that has come to be known as “Love Bombing.”

All that they ask for in return is that you continue to give them a chance to prove their love to you. This is the human equivalent of teaching the lab rat where to look for food pellets.

Stage 2—Performance Rewards

Once Narcissistic individuals feel more secure with you, they stop continuously rewarding you. Now you only get positive attention when you do things that make the Narcissist feel good. Enough positive attention is still flowing your way that you do not really notice that now you only get rewarded when you “press the bar.”  In human terms, you are being groomed to want to please the Narcissist in your life.

Stage 3—Devaluation Starts, Rewards Decrease

In this stage, your Narcissistic mate starts to occasionally mistreat you. They may become critical of you, become controlling, or publically put you down. You still get occasional emotional “treats,” but now they are unpredictable. The bad moments start to outweigh the good. You are now on the equivalent of an “intermittent reinforcement schedule.”

Stage 4—“Gaslighting”

If this is your first experience with an abusive Narcissist, you are likely to be extremely puzzled as to why this is happening. Your Narcissistic mate supplies the answer. They insist that you are the problem. If only you would do more of a, b, or c, and stop doing x, y, and z, everything would go back to being perfect. The term “Gaslighting” comes from a movie in which a man deliberately tries to drive his wife crazy by making her doubt her own perceptions of reality.

Stage 5: Control Is Established

If you give in and start to believe what your Narcissistic mate says and give them even more control over you, BINGO!! You are now in a mini Stockholm Syndrome situation. The person who is mistreating you is now in charge of doling out everything. You have allowed yourself to become dependent and infantilized.

Stage 6: Resignation and Loss of Self

You are now their helpless prisoner hoping that if you do exactly what they say and show them enough love, they will love you back and be kind to you again.

Stage 7—Addiction, Leaving, and “Hoovering”

Addiction: At this point you are addicted to their approval. You are no longer thinking rationally. Instead of hating them for abusing you and wanting to be rid of them, you are afraid of losing them to someone else. You are totally trauma bonded to them. This means that you refuse to see the obvious: This person never loved you, cannot love anyone, and they are too Narcissistic to care how you feel or how much damage they do to your life.

Leaving: If you happen to summon up the inner strength to leave, your Narcissistic mate will suddenly change their tactics. They now start trying to suck you back into the relationship. This is informally called “Hoovering,” after the vacuum cleaner by that name.

Hoovering: They may start by doing something minor, like suddenly starting to “like” your social media posts. Then they may send you a casual text asking how work is going. If that does not get you to respond, they up the ante. They go back to the “Love Bombing” tactics that got you interested in them in the first place. If you continue to resist, they try even harder.

They make promises that they have no intention of keeping. They say anything that they think you want to hear.

• I love you so much.

• Life is not worth living without you.

• I made the biggest mistake of my life when I treated you that way.

• I see now that it was all my fault.

• I learned my lesson. From now on I will treat you like the Queen/King that you are.

• I will prove my love for you every day.

• Everything will be different this time.

• I have changed.

Wishful Thinking: Many people get sucked back into the relationship again at this point. After all, you reason, what if they really have changed? Won’t I regret it forever if I do not give them a chance now? At this point, you are choosing to ignore everything that you know about this person on the slim chance that they have somehow magically transformed themselves into a decent and reliable human being who actually cares about you. 

What is really going on is that it feels really good to be wanted again. Everything that they are telling you, no matter how unlikely, is like a soothing salve for your wounds. You were so so humiliated and hurt by the careless way that they discarded you, and you have already invested so much in the relationship, that you hate to believe that all of this has been a total waste. In addition, it feels so good to be courted again that you simply do not want to walk away while you are getting more of what you have always wanted from them.   

• The Cycle of Abuse Begins Again

Unfortunately, the moment that your Narcissistic loved one realizes that you are now “caught,” the rewards diminish, and the cycle of abuse begins again and continues until you walk away or get discarded.

Punchline: Even strong people can be trained to submit by the right combination of praise and punishment.

I once had a German Shepherd dog that would not stop biting people. I tried everything that the books recommended. to break her of the habit. Nothing worked.  She was a really big, strong dog and I was afraid that she would hurt somebody seriously and would have to be put down. In desperation I hired an animal psychologist. He said: “Don’t worry! I can cure her in less than ten minutes.”

I brought her over to him. He bent down and put his face near hers while I held her leash. She lunged to bite him. Before she could get her teeth into him, he punched her in the side of her head. Then he quickly petted her and said, “Good doggy, good doggy!”

She gave him an evil look and went for him. He punched her again, petted her, and said “Good doggy, good doggy!” She paused and looked at him and I could see the wheels turning in her head. She sat down in front of him and never bit anyone again.

I said: “I hate that you had to hit her but at least that I understand. What I don’t understand is the “Good doggy, good doggy!”

He said: “The punch was to stop her from biting me and to make her think. The “Good doggy, good doggy” was to reward her for not biting me.”

Falling Up

Haveyou ever had the chance to experience this wonderful statement?

Falling up to me means to be falling down in lifebut by the grace of God you don’t hit bottom because before you do he offersyou an opportunity to “fall up”. Let me tell you about my most recent (becauseI have had several) falling up experience.

It started with self-inflicted pain. I chose topartake in the use of drugs. Not just once. And not “just weed”. I ended upgetting involved in things I knew I probably shouldn’t, but I did anyhowbecause it masked the pain and depression I was going through at the time.

Skip ahead a few months into January when I wasmaking bad choices influenced at first by others but then it slowly went to myown decision making skills which have never been great when it came to maskingthe pain of something I did want to feel. However, In this situation the only thing I wanted to get really get away from was myself. The person I had become had made me sick to think about, sick to look at in the mirror. I hated who I had become.

But then something tragic happened right around the end of March, I got fired from my job that I loved, that I excelled at. You’re probably wondering why I would get fired from a job I did so well at.. well, I wad boughten all of my baggage, negativity, and poor choices into my job. They day I got fired was one of the worst days I’ve had simply for the reason that I felt like my world was crumbling but I never would have thought I was the problem behind all of it.

Now looking back on that day I completely understandwhy I was “let go”. I wasn’t making choices that benefited the company I wasworking for. If anything I hurt the company and their reputation. Which wasnever my intent. I thought I was just being “me”. Well, come to find out I wasn’treally me at all. I was someone who had I known a person like that I would havebeen disgusted by their behaviors.

I knew once I had hit rock bottom there wasn’t anywhereI was going to go but even further down (thinking at the time that, that wasn’teven possible). With Gods love, grace, and commitment I somehow “Fell Up”. It wasn’teven a full week later and I had landed a job doubling my pay, with benefits,and a career opportunity. Tell me that is a coincidence, and I will tell you itwas God. Sure, I put the effort into looking for this job but  it wasn’t me who allowed me to have theopportunity to interview or the grace to carry me through the training when I stillcontinued to struggle with some of the bad decisions I was still making.

As of today, I still fall short on a daily basis.I still make poor decisions, and I probably will for the rest of my life. Oneof the many differences between then and now is that I know I am not in this journeyalone, and no matter what if I buckle down and get serious about changing, anddoing life differently God will always carry me through. That doesn’t mean I wontsuffer any consequences along the way but what it does mean is that I will alwayshave a chance with Him to be better than I was yesterday and the daughter Hecreated me to be.

I hope on some level you all can relate andunderstand that we all fall short. Most of us fall short for years, some fortheir whole lives. The important thing we all need to remember is that we arenever alone, even during the darkest times when you try to give up on God, Hewill never abandon you, never stop loving you, and will always have faith inyou to make the right decisions even if it means starting all over tomorrow.

Dating Violence..Heard of it?

“Dating Violence”

Have you heard of it? Have you experienced it? Are you unsure if you’re in a relationship where this term sounds like it might be something you’re experiencing?

Well, I’m here to talk about the facts from licensed professionals, and my own past experiences. I hate to always assume that this is now the normal type of relationship…. but the fact of the matter is, that to some degree every single one of you have experienced this in one way or the other. Maybe you were the victim, or maybe you were the villain. Either way, we need to realize that these types of behavior are just completely unacceptable. Myself included.

  • Dating Violence by definition is exactly how it sounds…violent. However, there are different types of violence you might have endured…Physical? Emotional? Sexual? Let me break these down for you.

Physical abuse

  • pushing, shoving, grabbing
  • scratching, biting, spitting
  • punching, slapping, kicking, choking
  • slamming a partner against a wall

Emotional abuse

  • Threats, Insults, Criticism
  • name-calling
  • threatening to “out” a partner’s secrets to guilt trip them
  • making a partner feel inferior
  • making a partner feel guilty
  • isolating a partner from friends, family and others (i.e. enforcing rules about who they can and can’t hang out with)
  • giving a partner the “silent treatment”
  • threatening to break up with a partner if they do something you don’t approve of
  • stalking/invasion of privacy

Sexual Abuse

  • sexual assault
  • rape
  • any sexual activity without consent (e.g. touching, kissing or groping, sexual activity with a partner who is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, etc.)
  • coercing or persuading a partner to do something they don’t want to do (e.g. forcing a partner to pose for nude and/or sexual photos, pressuring a partner to ‘sext’, etc.)
  • refusing to use birth control or restricting a partner’s access to birth control

What are the warning signs of dating violence?

  • There are ways to recognize dating violence (although everyone’s experience will be different). A person who is abusing their partner may:
  • demand to see calls, texts and/or emails (with or without permission)
  • control who they talk to and who they spend time with
  • limit where they can go and when
  • tell them what they can and can’t do
  • constantly check in (repeatedly call, text and/or email, stop by unannounced, etc.)
  • threaten to hurt them (or injure themselves) if they try to leave
  • act jealous and/or get angry for no reason
  • restrict access to things they need
  • spread rumors about them
  • harass or humiliate them
  • share (or threaten to share) nude/sexual images without consent
  • blame others for the abusive behavior, or deny it altogether

Now, for those of you thinking “Oh my goodness, she’s overreacting” or “He/She has a right to treat me this way” if you’re making an excuse for your significant other and the way they treat you…STOP. Trust me, I of all people know how hard it is. I’m going to begin by telling you a little background of my story…you’ll understand why when I say stop making excuses or thinking you deserve it. STOP. I mean it. I’ve only been in 2 relationships in my life and they were so completely different but the ‘Dating Violence’ was a factor in both….

___________RELATIONSHIP #1____________

It was December of 2013, I was 18 years old. I had gotten an apartment with my sister and her boyfriend at the time. Young, not knowing my worth, hanging out with the ‘not so right’ crowd. We had a party at our apartment probably every single weekend until February when my sister turned 22, when she ended up getting pregnant at party we had for her birthday.

Now it’s the beginning of March 2014, it was my 19th birthday, I met a guy that wanted to give me all of this attention we will refer to him as ‘Jack’ for privacy matters. I mean what teenage girl didn’t want to have all of this attention? Or so I thought. Boy was I wrong…About 6 months went by of the constant attention being on me, wanting to be with me…. Then, it all changed. I went on a vacation to Florida with my family. Jack didn’t go. We had a mutual friend that was female. They hung out every now and again without me. I was ok with it because…well she was my friend, right? She’d never do something to hurt me. Turns out I was wrong.

Day 2 in Florida, and I receive a snapchat from this mutual friend of her in bed with Jack, neither of them had a shirt on…my heart immediately sunk into my stomach and instead of saying anything or letting him know I knew. I never said a word. Even to this day, I’ve kept it to myself, except for venting to my best friend about it but that wasn’t until even a year later….Lets skip ahead to our first big fight…we almost made it to our 1 year anniversary, and I found out that Jack had been saving photos of my best friend off of Facebook to his phone in a secret folder…to boot, he had a fake email account that he was “sharing” photos with other people. I wasn’t even allowed to have a passcode on my phone, and if I did, I was made to unlock it only for him to go through my phone for hours.

 I never understood what I could have done for him to have no trust in me. I wasn’t the one doing these things to him….he had given me very reason not to trust him to the point that every single night when he’d fall asleep I’d go through every single thing on his phone…every folder, every message, every email, every friend he added or searched on Facebook….I was in WAY over my head. And guess what? I made excuses for him every single time I’d find something that hurt I’d tell a close friend of mine than a day later when they told me I deserved more than that I’d say something like “He doesn’t mean it, he just wants the attention because I haven’t been giving him enough” when in all actuality I was giving him ALL of my attention. I was made to feel like he was the only person that ever loved me, and that even he didn’t always love me because I was either not small enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough…Little did I know I was more than enough.

So, here we are about a year and a half into this relationship. He went out with friends after work. I wasn’t 21 yet so I stayed home, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and made sure everything was spotless so when he got home he’d be so happy with me. The truth was he came home…except he was drunk, and stumbling in the door. Once he got into the house and sat down, he became very angry with me because I didn’t want to be intimate with him…he began yelling at me, getting closer and louder at the end of every sentence until he finally reached for my body, he grabbed me by my throat and pinned me against the wall telling me I was going to do what he wanted or it would just be worse for me to fight him on it….so I let him. The BIGGEST mistake I ever made because then every time he didn’t get his way in our relationship.

 It got more physical every time…Until one night it went so far, he threw me through the front door and pinned me down by my throat on the front porch and choked me out. Thankfully, his brother pulled him off of me and made him go back inside but at this point I had just had enough of this….So I called 911…thankfully I have a really close friend on the police force that was one of the most supportive people in my lives at this time, and he had no idea at the time that his reassuring me that I was worth so much more would one day prompt me to leave Jack. But that night…wasn’t it…It wasn’t until 4/5 months later when I caught Jack cheating on me in our bed with someone else that I decided that day to pack all of my things and move out. It wasn’t even a full week later, and because of the support of that friend, and the rest of my friends I was moved out, and on my own path to figuring out who I was by myself…I swore to myself that I would never allow a man to make me feel this way ever again, that id never let another man put his hands on me in an aggressive way. I was better than that.

___________RELATIONSHIP #2_____________

Fast forward to May 2017. I was working a full-time job, had just been promoted, still living on my own, having my own car, my own phone plan. And that was the bets I had ever done for myself…And then, I met Dan through one of the events my work was having, we looked at each other across the room, simple smiles were all we shared. I’d ask my coworker who he was, and she would tell me at every function that we’d both be at…

One day I decided to message him, and to my surprise he responded back. He was the politest gentleman I had ever spoken to. Had a genuine interest in me, no ulterior motives. Just a great connection between two imperfect humans. After a few days of back and forth texting he invited me over to his house. So, I drove over to his house knowing I deserved something out of a man but still very unsure what that truly was. When I arrived, he was pulling golf clubs out of the back of his truck. He looked up and smiled and said hi, I was instantly mesmerized by his smile. Little did I know that smile would become my favorite thing to see in the mornings when I wake up. We ran some errands together because he was going to a fishing tournament with his dad and brother that weekend, we ordered dinner and ate at his house. When we were finished with dinner, we sat on the couch telling each other all about ourselves. When I left that evening, he was so respectful. Walked me out the door onto the front porch and made sure I got into my car safely. For the next few weeks, we’d hangout every couple of days.

September of 2017, I moved out of my apartment to save money by moving in with my mom…but truthfully, I stayed with Dan almost every single night. We had the perfect relationship…. we never fought, and if we did it was a constructive conversation and moved past it. But then there was a change a change where we took our eyes off of God and made choices that weren’t within our Christian values. We got off track and I was the one in the villain role in this relationship this time. After realizing what I was doing only because I broke this sweet, loving man into a broken man with my actions did I stop treating him so poorly, only to realize he loved me through all of it. No matter how horrible I was to him, he stuck by me. He loved me through all of it…. You’re probably asking yourself ‘why would he stay with you if you were so terrible to him?’ don’t worry, I ask the same question every single day. But, the truth is because he realizes its because I have a broken, terrible past and never had anyone show me what a healthy relationship was.

I never had support growing up except for my grandmother who passed away on my 16th birthday which set me down a terrible path…but, he never judged me for that and, now? We’re happily in love. We’re following God. Trying to put him in the center of our relationship every single day. Sometimes we still fall short. But, We’re human. We make mistakes, but we love each other through it. I guess the point I’m trying to make is sometimes when you’re the victim in a situation, you tend to get some of the same characteristics. Not because its who you are but because its all you know.

I was lucky enough to meet someone that taught me i was worth living, and showed me that through God, I could be a better version of myself…And now? I am. I am so lucky to have met him, and i pray to God everyday for putting him in my life when i needed help having faith in myself.

Change the pattern, and be better. I have faith in myself now. And you should too. Never let anyone make you feel like being treated poorly is something you deserve because you don’t.

–DaniRose

You Are Enough

Here’s the thing…

What is ‘enough’? It’s this abstract idea, this unmeasurable concept, this strange way of labeling and defining and putting ourselves into categories of how and where we fit with the rest of the world. We’ve been taught this through society, our friends, and even sometimes our family with the definition of ‘Enough’ changing every single time..

‘Will I ever be enough?’ is a question we 20-something year old’s will ask ourselves on a weekly basis, because well….we all have heard that hurtful statement, ‘That’s just not enough’. The one statement that after putting in all of our effort weather it be a project at work or school or even in a relationship. The statement that will shatter your heart to the point that you can feel your heart break a little bit….

But what exactly is ‘enough?’

Enough what—is it pretty enough? strong enough? kind enough? patient enough? funny enough? social enough? outgoing enough? smart enough? 

Listen. There’s always going to be something that you’re not ‘enough’ of. There’s always going to be some part of you that won’t measure up to perfection because guess what? You’re not perfect.

You’re always going to be a little too loud or a little too quiet, and not enough street-smarts or not enough book-smarts or stubborn and not enough patience. Or too calm and not enough spark.

There’s always going to be some tiny part of you that doesn’t exactly fit the box that someone else wants to put you in. But you know what, screw that box.

You are you.

And you are enough.

You have to realize this about the world, society, and your peers— continually trying to shape you, trying to mold you, trying to change you. There’s nothing wrong with growing and becoming new, but you can’t look at your life like it’s forever coming up short. You can’t see yourself as merely a collection of flaws, and mistakes, never being worthy, never being right, never being enough.

Because there will be plenty of people and moments and times in life when you don’t measure up. But thousands more where you will.

It’s time to shed the expectations that the world puts on you and make your own. It’s time to disconnect from toxic people that continually find fault with who you are. It’s time to pull away from relationships where you feel like you’re in a constant battle to be in that person’s favor.

It’s time to realize that you are enough. And you’ve always been enough.

Don’t worry about love. Love will come, and the right person will know that you cannot be perfect and won’t try to put you in a box of perfection. The right person will love you despite your flaws, because of your flaws, and even love your flaws.

The right person won’t keep a tally of all the ways you don’t measure up to his/her expectations. The right person will love you because you’re simply you. So, don’t worry about love because the one that loves you the way you deserve, you’re already enough to.

And don’t worry about this world and all the people in it. You will never be enough for every single way or person of this world and that’s okay.

You are enough in your being. Your quirky, flawed, imperfect being. You are enough with your smile. You are enough in how you take on the world, how you never give up, how you keep on pushing, even when the world pushes you down.

Now me? I got lucky, before I met my now boyfriend of 2 years who lifts me up and makes sure I know every single day that I am enough, and I am important to not only him but the people around us in our lives I was in a very emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship with someone that made me think I would never be enough. I was told that I could never do better than him, that I would never be enough for anyone because I wasn’t small enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, making me feel like I wasn’t worth living because I would never be enough….and now? Now I know that I am. I am worth living, I have purpose, and the people around me love the person I am and reassure me of that every single day. So, just because one person tells you that you aren’t enough it doesn’t mean its true at all. Let the people who love you, the ones who respect you show you that they believe in you and I can promise your self-worth will skyrocket before you know it.

You are enough, and the only way you aren’t is if you don’t try…

 So, remember this and walk with your head held high.

–DaniRose

Where it Begins.

The tendency to carry over worries and fears of past breakups gives what its called ‘relationship anxiety.’ Many people say “the past is the past” and I thoroughly believe that. But what about the aftermath that comes from unhealthy relationships? How does that just stay in the past when it seems to affect any relationship you find yourself in?

No matter how great a guy is, I still can’t help but feel fearful that what happened in the past will repeat itself. And it doesn’t even have anything to do with him, because he’s great. It’s just the overall idea of a relationship that throws me into a full panic attack.

It’s like the feeling of apprehension has a mind of its own and you can’t control but be in a constant state of fear, bracing yourself to take the next emotional hit. I find myself constantly feeling worried that he’ll hurt me, or lie to me, or I’ll put my feelings and heart out there only to have him chew it up and spit it out. All because, well, it’s happened before. It appears to be a perfectly rational and logical reason, but in your heart you know that it’s really not. 

So somehow, I know that I’m self-sabotaging myself and this relationship, letting the relationship anxiety fill my head with irrational thoughts. They just play over and over again in my head until it’s distorted my mood. 

I then end up quiet and not wanting to talk out of the fear I’ll end up crying. I’m scared to open my mouth and let my emotions overflow. When he asks if I’m okay I don’t know what to tell him. It’s feeling like your irrational feelings are not valid so you are afraid to be misunderstood and judged. 

I’m afraid he will think I don’t have faith in us, or that I’m a negative person, or all I ever do is worry. It just fogs the real me in such a way that I start thinking that maybe this is who I really am. 

I just don’t know how to explain that to him without sounding what I assume he’ll perceive as crazy. And I know I’m not crazy. It’s just I know that my past relationship haunts me, and that threatens my current one by imprisoning my heart. 

Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time and erase all the pain and hurt that old relationships have caused me. Because if I did that, I’d be able to focus on how great my other half is now, and I wouldn’t second guess things.

The truth is, I’m the only one who can overcome this emotional fear. Heartache is inevitable in life but some of us are more sensitive than others and have a harder time coping with the pain felt when someone has broken us to pieces.

The pain is real but the love that our hearts are capable of giving is real too and I will somehow find the strength to overcome my relationship anxiety. In the mean time, I just hope that my new love can be patient with my anxious heart.

–DaniRose